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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26000851">Before I Go</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sentimentalblue/pseuds/sentimentalblue'>sentimentalblue</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, One Shot, aot fanfic, aot fanfiction, snk fanfic, snk fanfiction</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 03:34:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,288</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26000851</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sentimentalblue/pseuds/sentimentalblue</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ch 123 told from Eren's POV, right after his talk with Mikasa.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Mikasa Ackerman &amp; Eren Yeager, Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>110</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Before I Go</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I wrote this when ch 123 came out. I'm just posting it here, now.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I feel the burning liquid slip down my throat. Although it fails to distract me, it serves as a companion to the heartache I feel pinning deep inside my chest. My friends watch in shock as I set the old, chipped, but clean cup down. I give them a small reassuring smile as the father of the pit-pocketer slaps my back in encouragement. </p><p>Mikasa sits next to me, the faint pink that colored her cheeks earlier seems to be receding, but I know my friends can tell something is going on. <em>I wish something were going on... for so many reasons.</em> I don’t know when it started happening. When did she walk into my heart? Maybe she’s always been there, but my stubbornness didn’t realize it. Ever since I can remember I’ve always been running off someplace else, and I'm about to do it again. I am lost within my own thoughts as my friends gather the courage to drink. Slowly, they become comfortable and drink more. </p><p>As the night progresses the laughter increases, the slurred chatter is non-stop, and the alcohol decreases. I sit in a corner watching all of my friends enjoy themselves. Jean and Connie run off to buy more drinks, <em>Sasha</em>… she’s forcing the kid to drink, and my two childhood friends laugh freely. I want to be enjoying this night with them, before I leave, but I feel numb. I still don’t know if I will regret what I’m about to do. To be honest, I’m desperate. And that same desperation pushed me to ask Mikasa a question that’s been burning at the back of my mind for some time now. How desperately I wanted her to answer something that would change my mind, but family is all I’ll ever be to her. <em>I wanted to be something more.</em></p><p>I can tell that everyone is quite drunk, with their faces turning the same red color shade as the day I told them they mattered to me... more than anyone. I myself, feel a strange calm overtake me, alcohol doesn’t affect me like the others, some may call me a heavyweight when it comes to drinking. </p><p>My mind is clouded, stuck in a muddled mess of memories and dark thoughts, but even so, no matter where I avert my eyes to, they keep landing on her. I keep watching her, trying to engrave every detail of her, her voice, her hair, <em>all of her.</em> I smile to myself as she keeps giggling alongside Armin. As I look at them, I hope that all of our suffering is not in vain. I need to put an end to it <em>all</em>. The only thing that held me back was her, and the possibility of a future with her, but that can never be. </p><p>The ensuing night continues and then one by one, everyone slowly falls asleep. My eyes are set on her as I watch her lie down on the floor. Soon after, she’s fast asleep. The only one who's awake is Jean. A small chuckle escapes me when I watch him stumbling, trying so hard not to step on Armin. I can’t lie, the man is entertaining when drunk. However, my entertainment is quickly over when I see his intentions, as I watch how he eyes Mikasa like a shark, and begins to stagger towards her. My legs are faster than my thoughts as I walk towards Jean. “Jean, settle down,” I say. He looks at Mikasa, but I grab him before he stumbles on top of her. He then looks at me and laughs, but there's a layer of sadness intermingled with his laugh.  </p><p>“I’m so jealous of you,” he slurs as he glances at her, “She’s always by your side.” I shake my head as I sit down on ground, and mutter, “We’re family, that’s all I am to her.” Now, Jean lets out a really loud laugh that causes tears to collect at the corner of his eyes. “Idiot,” is all he says. He’s so drunk, he doesn’t know what he’s saying. He keeps glancing at her, and this pissed off feeling gnaws inside me as he does this. It's the same feeling when I noticed he held an interest for her during our training days. I keep a close watch on him and stay up until he falls asleep, but I don’t want to play it safe. So, I place my leg over his head. That should keep him from getting close to her. </p><p>I lie down and look up and see her peacefully sleeping on her back. I do not feel tired, I just lay there awake, thinking about what I’m going to do. Suddenly, I hear her mumble, “Eren...” and I hear her move around, when I suddenly feel her hand on my shoulder. She’s so close to me. I scoot myself closer and she does the same, until our heads touch. I turn to look at her and I know she’s asleep, but I still reach over with my hand and caress her cheek. I move the hair that’s fallen over her face behind her ear. </p><p>I keep staring at her, hoping I can use this memory of her for when I leave. It's then that she slowly opens her eyes, and my hand is still on her cheek. I am frozen by her staring at me that I don’t think of moving it. “Eren?” she slurs, as a lazy smiles sprawls on her face, “I’m dreaming, aren’t I?” I don’t say a word. She moves closer to me, until we are face to face, and I can smell the alcohol that clouds her judgement. I could easily kiss her, all I have to do is move a little bit closer, but I can’t, not when she’s like this. </p><p>She moves her hands to my face and traces a line on my lips and then proceeds to move my hair behind my ear. She caresses my face and giggles “Your hair is getting long, I want to tell you to cut it, so you don’t get into a maneuvering accident... but I like how it looks.” I smile, clearly remembering what she’s referring to.</p><p>The ache in my heart pains me, it seems to get deeper and deeper. It hurts me even more now that she’s this close to me. She exhales and continues to trace her fingers down my face, from my nose to my lips. If only, she saw me how I saw her. Those three words keep repeating inside my head, like a gentle chant that comes deep from my heart. <em>I love you, I love you, I love you.</em></p><p>If she thinks she’s dreaming, this moment will stay there. She’ll wake up tomorrow in confusion due to the strange alcohol induced dream of us. We look into each other's eyes, and it's then that I let the words come out only for her to hear, “I... love you, Mikasa.” Her eyes widen in shock for a moment, then she smiles, shakes her head, and says, “This is a dream, huh?” And she closes her eyes, going back to sleep. I feel useless tears prick in my eyes as I silently beg her to not sleep. <em>Please,</em> tell me you love me back. </p><p>I’d be lying if I said I’m ready to leave, but I have a mission, I must do this for them, for her. I feel her hand against my shoulder again, and her head against mine. I allow myself to enjoy her presence, and that’s how sleep takes me. Maybe there I will dream a perfect world where she loves me. Maybe there we will be free to be together and happy.   </p>
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